I write these things while commuting and reading a book. what follows is a plot based version of a book by charles willeford. I will upload others at a later date.
Miami Blues by Charles Willeford
Fred Fred is a killer on a plane. He asks for champagne and paper. Ostrich, eel, and leather…he sits for an hour scrawling upside down because that’s how you do signatures. This is so he can forge signatures from the wallets he stole.
No one notices.
He gets off the plane and needs luggage. He has kept the eelskin one because ostrich skin wallets are stupid.
He finds some luggage because he doesn’t want the output to draw attention to himself.
But wait, an undercover Hari Krishna pins his lapel with a thing. So he thinks fucks this, I need a low critical low-key distraction, ion and breaks the hare Krishna cops wig off his head and his fingers.
This happens to rapturous applause and another undercover hare; Krishna turns around to have a go, but the crowd hates hare Krishna and gives them both a kicking.
n contrast, Fred Fred has a shit, and no one sees him.
He gets to a hotel and demands not to have any hookersHe.Hee also asks for the beach.
This is Miami, sir. Not Miami beach.
I did not know that despite all the internal monologue about how clever I am and how I stole this luggage .. here’s money to fuck off now. Because I am creative.
First six pages.
Output ones, this will be mint
Miami Blues
By Charles Willeford.
Chapter 2
We are in a posh airport suite, and the annoying Krishna kid is dead.
Over him is sergeant freeload eating the complimentary coffee and doughnuts. “I wonder what killed him, and he has a broken finger.
“I want to fly out,” shouts Karen-Prime
“I want a blowie,” calls Mr.Karen-prime
Fuck you, white people say, Sargeant Hefty. This is a first-class airport lounge. There is no privilege here!
Sergeant hefty and sergeant freeload have another coffee and wonder if the broken finger killed the guy.
Doctor Merel and Plain blonde for Legal turns up.
Doctor Merle ” I see his finger was broken
at this point; the other Krishna starts crying…”! And there was a guy that broke his finger, and a woman had a Krishna cricket.”
What the fuck is that says this reader?
It’s an anti-Krishna device that makes a noise that only fucks with Krishnas..says the author,
Plain blonde for legal reasons ” I know I am plai,n but I am blonde and will do anything either of you officers says,”
BRILLIANT! says Sargeant freeload
Top work, plain blonde. Says Sargeant’s hefty
doc merle looks at the finger.
Well, it is broken.
So that’s what killed him?
Sergeant hefty then tells about a guy he heard about who died of a broken finger.
A plain blonde complains her brother used to do that.
So it’s page 10. the knowledgeable Freddie freed is not in this scene. He is busy feeling his eel wallet, finger breaking killing skills remain uncaught
chapter ends
in Miami Blues
by Charles Willeford.
Chapter 3
Freddie Fred, the Hari Krishna killer, or the broken finger assassin school, ruminates on his secret origin.
It’s a doozy.
He was in jail for being wrong and is a psychopath and sociopath. So, of course, he wrote an essay about how to unionise the kitchen while in prison. He got beaten up and put in solitary.
Then he came out. They And a guy escape prison with books and that.
The guy was a nutter. They went nuts and dabbed him in.
So he went into solitary.
He gave up smoking and having sex with his boyfriend, but apparently his b, his boyfriend was chubby, Iso it didn’t matter.
And he then worked out. And then, when he got out, the warden said,
Don’t get caught. So then just fuck off, so when you do get caught, it’s fuck all to do with me.
Ok, I am a psychopath and sociopath who believes in unions. says Freddy Fred, who then mugs eel and ostrich wallets and fucks off to Miami.
Now he opens his stolen suitcase, which no one gave a fuck about in chapter 2 when Harikrisis is dead from his broken finger.
It’s all women’s clothes, Shift…says F,reddyFredd. I better get a hooker.
He phones Pablo. Pablo sends a hooker.
Hi, I’m working my way through college. I study English
rRight..fr Freddy Plays with her bits.
“that’s too tight for a prostitute, and I like me. Can I do you up the butt?”
“Well, I don’t know how that’s …but not even anyhow.”
“I’ll give you this suitcase of lady’s clothes.”
“why I’m in a dangerous sex worker job to work through college? This is not dodgy at all. Why do you just have women’s clothes.”
“fuck off and take a blouse.”
“oh no don’t, you do; I’m not taking that blouse unless I can give you a blowie; you can’t get sex out of me, no, il l give you that blowie.”How does that ….never mind…how about we go for dinner in another chapter instead.”
“ok…I have not been on a date in ages. I’ve been too busy sucking dick. Can I have my passport back”
“Of course? I’m not a monster. I just want to pay for taking you up the butt..but since you said no…let’s go for dinner.”
“cool, I know this place; that’s cool if you dig on vegan food ’cause I like you.”Prostitutes leaves.
Psycho has a wank in a suitcase. C chapter ends.
Miami Blues
by Charles Willeford
Chapter four
Sergeant freeload and sergeant hefty are in their office.
Only one of them can sit in the office. and its Krishnahefty’s turn in the chair
freeload: have we identified the hare Krishna
hefty: yes.
freeload: well, where’s the family
hefty: the dad is elsewhere, so you have to tell the daughter. Freeload: fuck off,it’ss your turn.
hefty: if you do it, you might get to fuck her
freeload: but I bought doughnuts. Hefty: ill eat them, fuck off and tell her. Freeloadad: but your turn to get jaffa cakes
hefty wipes the jaffa cakes from his mouth, “then get more.
Freeload a shit job.
Hefty: probably up the bum, too; she’s at college.
Freeload considers: OK, I’ll do it. But I’m charging for dinner and condoms.the
chapter ends
Miami Blues
by Charles Willeford
chapter5
Freddy Fred has no clothes and has never been to a vegan restaurant. but he turns up and argues salad with the college prostitute girl
they exchange pleasantries and clothes, and her brothHarikrishnardiKrishnaa has fragile hands and steals to buy a car
he says that fucked as he pays for the dinner with an all-skin wallet he killed for.
“hey,” said a college prostitute sinworkinggng my way through coll,egeedgey don’t you come to class with me? Don’t think anyone will realise I’mrI’m prostituteI turn up with a random man and d bag of clothes
That sounds great. Says Freddie Fred. Who then turns up at the class. I get annoyed. It’s an English class, and it has lots of people in it who aren’t white. While the teacher explains haikus.
Again
and again
and again,
“shall we have sex, this is dull,” says a college prostitute.
“naw..haikus are awesome,” says Freddy Fred. Police turn up or something.
the Chapter ends
in Miami blues
By Charles Willeford.
Chapter 6
college prossy and Freddie “finger killer” Fred are in a class.
officer freeload turns up and tells them to join him.
“I’m sorry, C.P., but a broken finger has killed your brother.”
“what! What! he always had some weak hands. What a cunt. I knew I should have got a Krishna market; anyway, ill cry a bit, and you’ll give me his ca. r.”
Freddie Fred starts cracking his finger, breaking knuckles.
Officer freeload, I notice you have finger-breaking knuckles. Have you been to jail?
Freddie Fred; yes, no, maybe…for I am a clever sociopath, and you will never know.
Officer freeload: so that’s a yes then. Let me freeload all three of us dinner,r and we can discuss taking C.P. up the bum.
They go to a diner; Freddie Fred calls himself Ignacio, Monday ontaya, and Officer Freeload says, thank god for that; I’m sick of the foreigners in Miami.
They have burgers, and no one breaks any fingers or takes it up the bum
although Freddie’s finger breaker Fred does think college prossy is vile because she is not crying about the man that he killed out of boredom
and fingers.
the chapter ends
in Miami Blues
by Charles Willeford.
Chapter 7,
Freddy’s finger breaker and college prossie complain about fairness and drive around in a car.
They geengagedge,d but no one is killed or bummed.
They write chapter haiku about a burger and play their next theft.
Chapter ends.
Miami Blues
by Charles Willeford
chapters 7-18, because of commutesarehere minimal changes in terms of chapters ye,t a lot has made me ask some serious fucking questions of CharlesWillefordd
So I had to do a google
fuck me, there are four in this series!
And a film!
There’s a fucking film!
I have to finish my work now! It got Alec Baldwin and Fred ward, and Jennifer Jason lee
sigh
ok. So between chapters 7-10, Freddie Freddie and the college prossie move into her rented flat and get the Krishna car. with some cash and shit
Meanwhile, Freeload goes around hotels, shows everyone how poor he is, and runs up a bar tab.
This bangs on until Freddie Fred decides to become anti-batman.
He finds a mall and mugs, other muggers, to get cash.
at some point, another hotel is blown up, and sergeant hefty goes to look at it, but it really is three chapters of what the fuck do you expect with foreigners in Miami, so it’s sad that…then we resume
Freddy Fred decides to break into a freeload house, realising he is poor. so beats the shit out of the free load and steals his t, teeth and arranges money to be sent to him
This is about 11-15.
now freeload is getting packages of cash from Pablo Pablo is from the hotel way back in the first boo
, and Freddie Freddi has become freeloading Freddy.
Cp gives up haikus and seems keen on a life of steak and hblowjobs…
And freeloads old badges and guns with Freddy Fred.
What the actual Brexit chapter fuck! Chapter ends.
I need to see the film after ..wait…this is one in a series of four books with freeloading as the lead.!
FFS!
Miami Blues
By Charles Willeford.
I’ll be frank I read to the end. Still, it got very GAMMONY, so I’ll keep plotting points
to recap: Freddy Fred is a finger-breaking hoodlum fingering a college prostitute. this was after he used his exceptional Freddy Fred strength for being really clever and shit to break her brother’s finger and kill him
There are two officers on the case. Freeload and hefty. Hefty goes home to heft food, and freeload has run up his tab everywhere while living in a city travelodge.
Freddy Fred beats up freeload in his own flat and has run off with his badge.
and now
The dramatic adventures of tenuous continues and concludes.
Having moved into ca ollegprostitute’ses place and becoming an officer, Freddy has stolen freeload badge and gun. Freddy tells her old pimp to send the officer to freeload money. He then starts to patrol his new batman gig at the mall, where he steals from robbers and ..well, steals.
The pimp gets an officer to freeload and is beaten up for taking the money. He points out he has fingers,and it can’t be him. after a while, the percent going, what the fuck are you doing in a travel lodge, you mental?
Some freeload tell the vice department they can keep running a brothel just to give him his teeth back. They comply and call him gay. Hefty points out that the money he got was from the vice department.
A college prostitute bakes a pie
while driving, freeload spots Freddy and tails him a bit. He doesn’t actually do anything. But now he knows where he is and knows he has his gun…he reckons the best thing a cop can do is watch him.
Freddy decides to rob a coin shop. He has a man with a shotgun. He gets into the coin shop, and the man tells him it’s ok.
Freddy shoots the man with a shotgun, and then the pawn shop owner cuts off Freddy’s fingers on his gun.
Freddy thinks, at least I got a wallet and goes back to his car.
a college prostitute has finished baking the cake and forgets to drive the vehicle
Freeload goes over to Freddy’s old place and waits for him to turn up.
Why did you steal my shit? Says freeload
No, I never said Fred.
Freddy pulls his gun, which is a bit shit, given he has no fingers to use.
Freeload shoots him.
During this college, the prostitute gets told by Freddy about the finger death of her brother, and she doesn’t have a problem with her dad having turned up early and saying she fucked her brother. But that goes nowhere, either.
Freddy dies. Freeload moves into the new house.
A college prostitute stops being a prostitute and wins a prize for her pie.
WHAT THE FUCK.WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. THERE’S A FILM VERSION. I HAVE TO SEE IT NOW
FRED WARD…
BOOK END.
The Irish Indian Times. 
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